5 WEEKS
Well, I'm sitting here wishing I'd bought a pregnancy test at the store tonight. I feel like I'm pregnant, but I know that I can do things with my mind. I am five days late now, but I've been later before without a pregnancy. And it was a pretty huge let down if I remember correctly. I have to say, it would be a huge let down this time too. I have SO MANY emotions going on right now. Mostly excited and feeling super pumped for this challenge. I also feel pretty happy that I received an answer to my prayers. This makes me feel like there was a reason I kept feeling like I wanted another one. I am a little nervous to tell Nate. I'm pretty sure he was thinking this was going to be like an Abrahamic sacrifice or something. I know he'll be happy about it eventually and will love another baby, but I know pregnancy is not his favorite. I have tried to pump myself up for being extra tough this time if not for me, then for him. I don't want this to be a horrible trial that we have to endure. I keep having that moment during conference, where I asked Heavenly Father if this is what he wanted and I told him I would do this if he wanted me to, and the words, "It will be hard" rang through my head. I'm a little nervous for that. If it's just the normal hard, then okay, but hopefully it's not something new and scary. I mean, I guess I'm up for anything at this point, but still... I hope we can be blessed for our efforts :). So I guess I'll just keep this locked up as a draft and not tell anyone for now. I really don't know how I'm going to tell people. I don't really care what people think, I just don't want to hear what they have to say. It's like Keto- the hard part is telling people about it and hearing their excuses why they don't do it, or hearing them tell you that you're crazy. It's not my favorite. But I am more than excited about this and can't wait to find out for sure :). 11-23-18
5 WEEKS, 5 DAYS
Well, tomorrow will be 10 days late :). Have I mentioned that I finally took a test yesterday? I got up at 5:00 am, drove to Walmart without telling anyone, bought a pregnancy test (and some pads for the girls and some eggs), went to the bathroom and took the test! Felt a little weird, but I REALLY needed to know after looking up the signs of menopause the night before... they're very similar to pregnancy- so confusing! SO when I took the test it had two lines that needed to show up for it to be positive. The pregnant one showed up right away. Then the control line never really did show up. It was super faint. So that kind of left me hanging! Luckily my cheap test came with two, so I decided I would just take the other one later that day. Which I did, and the results were exactly the same!! Then I was just frustrated with how inconclusive my cheap tests were and wished I'd splurged a little more. Lucky for me I have the internet, I was able to look it up and LOTS of other people had had the same problem (surprise surprise) and they explained that if there is a LOT of HcG it can pull some of the pigment out of the control spot. So there ya have it :). It's still a positive result. I was relieved about that.
So there have been a lot of cute moments lately, and some interesting things that ring in my ears now that I am pregnant. Here they are:
A few days ago (probably about day one or two of me thinking I was pregnant) Charity was sitting next to Molly at the table and Molly was being her adorable self and so Charity was like, "I just love this cute little girl! We need to have another baby so that we can still have this cuteness around after Molly grows up!" It was really cute and nice to hear her say that.
Kris Pederson was talking about how her grandma who "lost her husband when she was like 33, when she had eight kids and was pregnant with her last...", gave me chills.
In Primary Sunday, when Barbara said, "Did you know she has eight kids?!" Will goes, "Soon to be 10!" HAHA!!
Molly was loving the baby on Inside Out and agreed with me that we should get a baby. And then corrected herself and said, "A REAL baby!" AWWWW!!
I was worried about possibly having an infection and thought to pray about it. The symptoms went away.
I keep worrying about all the little cramping and the spotting and I thought to pray about those too and the thought came to me- I do not need to worry about these things. Heavenly Father is in charge- if he wants this pregnancy to work it will! I do think that a lot of times the reason they don't is because the spirit/s coming change their minds or get scared, so I do like to pray for them to feel comfortable coming and that they will know we are excited about them coming. So hopefully that helps a little. 11-27-18
6 WEEKS, 5 DAYS
I was having a lot more bleeding, so I called the doctor and of course they had me come in. This is always bitter sweet because it's super stressful thinking something is wrong, but then really awesome to get to see the little one on the ultrasound screen, all alive and with a heartbeat! I love that part. It was a scare, but luckily, I just have a subchorionic hematoma. I think that's what it's called. It's not anywhere near the baby, so there's not a huge concern, it will just keep bleeding til it's done I guess. So that was crazy, then on the way home, I talked myself into telling Nate! Well, first I grabbed a cute little "I heart my Daddy" onesie in the hospital gift shop and then a cute card and box at the dollar store. When I got home, I gave it all to Nate and told him that way. His face was adorable when he opened up the onesie! I had to pull the ultrasound pic out of the box to prove it, but I LOVED his reaction! He even got a little teary-eyed! Totally unexpected! Then I sent him on the roller coaster ride I had been on the for the last few days and told him about the bleeding. That was fun for him I'm sure. But anyway. It's out. Feels good to not have to think about it on my own now. 12-5-18
7 WEEKS, 4 DAYS
Today, while I was taking pictures of my mom and Simon, I slipped on the steps down in the creek and fell on my back. It was so painful! Right after that, I came inside and had some blood gushing out. I went to the bathroom and the blood was just dripping out. Got everywhere. It was shocking how bright and how much there was. Not the brown stuff I'd had before. Kinda scary. When I wiped there was a small, cheerio sized clot. I couldn't help but wonder if that was my baby. I wanted to cry, but I was trying to be strong too. So I just put on a pad and carried on. Later in the day, when Nate asked how I was, I just fell apart. I know nothing, but my mind went to the worst thing. It was really sad. I called the doctor and they said to schedule an ultrasound. The soonest they could get me in is Thursday. So yeah, needless to say, I lost it. I'm really struggling with this kind of trial. If I lose this baby it's going to hurt. I'm trying to be strong though- I told Heavenly Father I am willing to help out- if this is what He wants me to do, then so be it. I had Nate give me a blessing and that was nice. He told me to pay attention to the peace and comfort He is trying to offer me. I'm working on that. 12-10-18
8 WEEKS
I got to see our little baby again! These circumstances aren't the best- been bleeding non-stop- but the benefit is I get to see our little baby pretty regularly :). Still got a strong heartbeat, it was 150 this time. Looking pretty good despite the huge bleed. I hope this continues. That's all I can really do is hope! I think the suspense might kill me. I haven't felt super confident! Luckily I do have faith that things will go according to Heavenly Father's Plan and His Timing. 12-13-18
8 WEEKS, 4 DAYS
This was our first official prenatal visit. Dr. Thackeray had been off on a delivery so we ended up waiting for quite a while before our turn. He was kind of funny about us being in there again :). Didn't really expect to see us ever again, I think. But he was super supportive. He didn't do an ultrasound, but he seemed to think everything will be fine. Told us our chances were less than 20% of losing this baby, so that was encouraging. I don't know why I worry, but I do. Kinda lame, I realize. He talked about the Manti Pageant and how this is going to be the last year of it. Then the Jazz- felt like the good ol' days :). Everything came out perfectly normal with all my tests, bloodwork, etc., so I guess we're good to go! Such a blessing. 12-17-18
11 WEEKS, 3 DAYS
I'm actually a little shocked that we're already 11 weeks along :). Things have been going okay. I had a few days this week where I didn't bleed, might be because I didn't do anything :). The couch has been my friend lately. As well as the bath tub. I have been SO COLD! I'm a little bit concerned about the chills, but I think I had those with Molly too. Not really sure why. I've completely given up on the Keto. I feel okay about it, but feel pretty sick, most of the time. Not sure if it's the new weird food I'm eating or what, but it's been hard to say the least. I am wishing I could do the Keto, but wishing I didn't have to have self-discipline. It's too hard to eat-- nothing sounds good ever. I'm eating junk, but hopefully it's not effecting our baby too much. I can't wait for this part to be over. I'm getting really excited for this baby. Nate and I sat in the car after our date and talked about this summer and how things are (hopefully) going to go. It'll be interesting, for sure, but I think it's actually going to work out okay. I'm trying to decide if I should schedule the girls for EFY during the boys' scout camp that falls two weeks after the baby is born or not. Still not settled on that one. But hopefully everything will just work out and be okay. I can only hope for a smooth delivery and recovery! We've had so much luck/blessings in the past, how could we not hope for another one :). 1-6-19
11 WEEKS, 4 DAYS
Had another appointment today. Dr. Thackeray was talkative, we talked about Christmas, Nate's book, the fact that I don't have to do any science fair projects this month! (wahoo!!) We got to hear the heartbeat which was really good. I was really needing to hear it this time. I wish we could have done another ultrasound, but that's okay that we didn't. It was harder for him to get to the heartbeat and I was nervous, but then when we got it, it was super strong and he informed us that at this point and with such a strong heartbeat, there is less than 1% chance of losing the baby. Which is nice to hear, but unfortunately I still always know that I could be that 1%. I try to keep in mind what a miracle and blessing these babies are and that I am lucky to have any time with them at all. I hope that I get to have this baby for a lot longer, but if I don't, I know that it is the Lord's will. It's hard to say that out loud. Hopefully, it's like I was thinking and Heavenly Father just wants me to remember what a blessing they are and not take them for granted. 1-7-19
12 WEEKS, 4 DAYS
So I had the most incredible amount of energy today! It was nuts! I was going ALL DAY! I didn't lay down once which hasn't happened since like October! So I got tons done- finally cleaned up the laundry room, put up the pictures on our bedroom wall (which I'm irritated are now crooked! I worked so hard to make them straight!), put in a new smoke detector, changed some lightbulbs (these are like really high ones- an actual accomplishment, not how it sounds. It was amazing! And I was able to keep going all day until I laid down in front of the Jazz game! Good bye first trimester tiredness!! I hope! If only the nausea could have gone with it. It's getting harder and harder to keep this a secret from everyone. I wonder how much longer we'll last. And last week, Nate told me that he slipped up and told his mom :). How cute is that! I love that he's so excited. But I was a little bummed that I didn't get to witness her first response. But kinda fun that she knows. Also, the bleeding has all but stopped! I've had several days where there was no bleeding which is awesome. 1-14-19
13 WEEKS
Smells are killing me right now! I need to figure out what has died in the fridge because every time I open the fridge to eat something, I get nauseous and don't want to eat anymore. It's ridiculous. The nausea is no fun. I hate this part. I've been thinking a lot about this baby and wondering if they are excited to come to our family. Or if they even care what family :). I hope they know how much love is hear for them and that they can be confident there will always be someone there for them. I can't wait to meet this baby! Talking with Natalie about her baby coming next week got me really anxious and excited for our day. Too bad it's six months away! That's okay though- we'll take all the time we get with this little one! 1-17-19
15 WEEKS, 6 DAYS- ULTRASOUND
We went in and had an ultrasound for our visit this month! Dr. Thackeray said we could check gender if we want so I had been preparing myself, knowing that this is a little early to see gender- that if he said it's a girl, I will be skeptical and need to wait til next month's ultrasound. So I had prepared myself mentally for that. I had given myself plenty of time to get there because of weather, sat there for quite a while in the waiting room, and then in the patient room before realizing that maybe Nate had forgotten about the appointment altogether. So I texted him and sure enough- he was thinking it was the next day. SO sad!! I was almost crying. I ended up waiting so long in the ultrasound room, he probably could have made it in time, but we had decided not to push it with the weather. So I took a little video of the ultrasound so that Nate could feel like he was there. It was a pretty uneventful ultrasound. We didn't get to see much. The baby is still so small. But it was still fun to see. He looked long and hard to see between the legs and we did catch a few convincing glimpses of what he proposed is "a girl". But I'm just not convinced. I've been tricked by the 15 week ultrasound before :). Just kidding. So anyway. Maybe a girl :). Maybe not. But ever since then I've gotten really attached to the idea of a girl. We had been sure it was a boy, so this was new but also really exciting! I think Molly would love a little sister :). It was fun to see our baby and get closer to our due date. At our next visit we will be half way! 2-5-19
16 WEEKS, 7 DAYS- MOVEMENT
I felt the baby move!! It was about 4:00 in the morning, I had woken up worried about Erika (she was sick and sleeping in my bed with me while Nate was working the mid), and while I was trying to go back to sleep there it was! A cute little flutter from our cute little peanut! Made me smile! And then it was hard to go back to sleep because I wanted to feel more. So cool! Probably the only thing I like about being pregnant is the movement... until it gets to be too much near the end there, of course :). But this was a fun little break in the monotony of nausea and body aches. 2-13-19
18 WEEKS, 1 DAY
While I was laying in our hotel bed with Erika tonight, I could feel the baby moving a bunch. Felt almost like hiccups. Super cute! I sent Nate a text so that he could enjoy it too :). We're getting closer! Feels like the nausea and morning sickness have backed off a bit. I have felt amazing on this trip to Nevada for Kelly's Tournament. Probably needed a good break from life. We are getting anxious to tell the kids! Just waiting for the perfect moment! 2-22-19
18 WEEKS, 7 DAYS
Well I over did it at Blue and Gold yesterday- SO MUCH PAIN!! This is very familiar pain, but seems early to be feeling it. Stresses me out a lot. I've been thinking a lot about whether we are going to be allowed to keep this baby or not. Whether that is Heavenly Father's plan for us or not. It's so painful to think that He may not want us to keep this one. I'm trying to get myself into a place mentally where I could handle that possible outcome. I want this baby more than life itself. I would die for this baby if it meant this baby could live and have these brothers and sisters and grow up with the love of this family. That would be a tough decision too though considering I want to raise this baby. And that is my hope. I am clinging to that hope right now. I know I have felt this way before, but always feels so up in the air. I am testing the scriptures I've been reading about "Ask and ye shall receive" and I am asking! I am pleading really. With my Heavenly Father. That we will be able to keep this baby and have a nice long life with them. Of course, I always add- "thy will be done" and that is the scary part. But I am trying to have faith in both the fact that he does give us what we ask for sometimes, but also the fact that sometimes he has a different plan for us. So I am trying to be strong really :). I am enjoying every minute I get and hoping HOPING for the best possible outcome! Can't wait to meet this baby! 2-27-19
