This post is mainly for journaling purposes. It's personal, but not anything that can't be shared. Feel free to skip it though :)
For the first few Sundays at church here in our new ward, I had the strangest feelings. Feelings that I had never felt in a new ward before. Before now I had always gone to a new ward with a lot of anticipation for what we could do to contribute, feelings that we had been put in that ward for a reason and anxiousness to find out what that reason was. Until now I had always felt like the move was "meant to be" and that the ward was part of that. I've never been in a ward that I didn't feel I was sent to and totally had an impact on my life. But here.... I really didn't feel that way at all. And don't get me wrong, everyone has been MORE than welcoming. We have felt so much love, for the kids especially! It's been almost overwhelming how many people have offered and helped with the kids in Sacrament meeting (since Nate is working during Sacrament Meeting now), people I don't even know have taken Erika out for me when she's screaming (thank you AGAIN Sis. Bradbury!) It's been amazing. The ward really is fantastic. It was just this lingering feeling that moving here was not "meant to be".
Two years ago when we moved into my Dad's basement, we moved with the plans to live there for a FEW MONTHS, Nate would get his first certification, then get his raise, and we would be ready to get into a house. We hadn't wanted to commit to another 12 month lease where we were because we were sure we wouldn't need that long and we really wanted to just get settled into a place that we could live for a long time. Well, that few months SLOWLY turned into 2 years. Complete with complications with Nate's work, problems with our credit that we had no control over, a difficult pregnancy, and (this was the good part) a new member in the family. With each stumbling block, I knew it would take a little time, but I thought "after this is over we can move" but it never happened. I love my Dad, I love Steve, but I do not love living in a basement. It's nothing against them (in case they happen to read this). Living in that basement was not good for my soul. It was my own attitude and if I could have just changed my attitude I am sure we could live there forever. But with all the background and the intentions to move much sooner, it was just more than I could handle. There were so many things that I couldn't do there. I kept thinking, "as soon as we get into a house, _______ will be better". I probably shouldn't have. Sometimes that gave me hope. But unfortunately after a while I started to lose hope and this thought just made me even more frustrated. I was digging a hole of "needs" that I felt would never be met, making it hard to be grateful for what I did have. Ingratitude really is a killer. I wanted the kids to be in their own rooms. I needed Erika to learn how to go to sleep on her own and sleep through the night (and I was sure that she would if we were in a house). I wished the kids could have a yard to play in. I wanted alone time with my husband that I couldn't have. I needed to be able to work out, but didn't have the time, space or energy for that. I wanted to feel the Spirit that you cannot feel in a place that is overcluttered and crowded with people and things. The place was just too small. And dark. I "needed" these things so much. Near the end there, I really REALLY thought that something inside of me might snap. I was losing it. Looking back, it's hard for me to understand why I didn't just change my way of thinking. I think part of me was getting depressed, but I was kind of in denial about that. I'm sure it's just easier to think clearly about it now that we're gone. We had an amazing ward full of loving people, but there just weren't many people my age or that were even home with their kids during the day. I had very little social interaction other than that with my brother and my Dad which wasn't really all that often. So I didn't feel like there were very many outlets. In the beginning I had some extremely faithful Visiting Teachers who I swear visited me more than once a month (well, they didn't visit, we met at the park since it was just too embarrassing to have visitors). But one of them moved and the fun ended. The whole thing was just really hard for me. I had prayed so many times, and for so long for things to work out with getting into a house. We had gotten our hopes up a few times on places that we had felt were right. The discouragement was almost more than I could take. I was tired of having family gatherings (birthday parties, blessings, holidays) in my Dad's house and having to impose on him. And I just DID NOT want to have another Christmas there. I "needed" my own place so that my family could have our own space. It was just so overwhelming. So I began the search for a rental since buying a home is just around the corner (just not close enough), and found this house. It seemed nice enough and everytime I walked through it I felt like it was somewhere that I could live. I think I felt like I was forcing things a little bit. But I didn't care, desperation had set in. Nate was sweet to consent to whatever would make me happier. (He was SO loving and SO patient with me through all of this) All along I reminded myself that living in a house was not going to solve all my problems. I wasn't THAT delusional. I did realize that there would be a new set of problems and possibly worse ones. The unknown actually scared me a little, and I think that's one reason why we were at my Dad's so long, but I totally didn't care at this point. We prayed about it, but kept getting the "it's your choice" answer. That's always frustrating for me, as silly as that is. I would do anything Heavenly Father wanted me to do if he would just tell me. But I didn't feel like there was a definite answer to stay or to go. It really was up to us. We chose to move. So we went through all the application process, put down our deposit, waited a week (wondering if it was really going to go happen), and I totally put off packing during that time because I was sure it would fall through and I would have to unpack it all again as I had had to do before, and then we got the final go ahead and slowly (still) moved in.
I LOVE this house!!! I love it to pieces! It's close enough that the kids are still at their same school. It's big enough for us (and much bigger than the 1100 or so square feet we were living in at my Dad's). The yard is amazing. There is SO MUCH STORAGE SPACE I don't know what to do with it all!!! It's felt SO amazing to be able to unpack ALL of our boxes (including the MANY that have not been unpacked for 2 years) and put ALL of our things away. This may all sound really silly to some of you, but it really has been a big deal to me. I love that there is a living room AND family room! And let's not forget to mention my craft room! So anyway, we love living here.
Now back to my feelings about the ward. After having so many "it's your choice" answers to my prayers, I second guessed our decision to move, and started to wonder what that meant about our placement in the ward. And those first few weeks in church were more than enough for me. I couldn't control the feelings that we were not meant to be there. It was so awkward. I kept trying to fight it and pray for help with it, but I couldn't escape it. FINALLY last Sunday in Relief Society it hit me. Someone had been talking about trials and my thoughts automatically went to my own personal trials. And I was drawing a blank. That was it!!!! I didn't really have any to speak of!! For the last 2 years "my trial" had been living in that basement and wanting to live in a house. That was the thing that had brought me to my knees SO many times, and so faithfully. It had brought me closer to my Heavenly Father. And it's tricky because I can't say that that was a real spiritual time in my life, but it was one of those times where I depended on Him for EVERYTHING!!! Just getting up in the morning took some serious nagging from my Heavenly Father. And I felt like he was there for me. So that was it!!! The thing that was missing now, was my trial! And my thing to bring me closer to the Lord. Well, this came as a surprise, and I sat there thinking and wondering if it had been a mistake to move. If I had kind of just given up on that trial, and not succeeded or "endured it well". I don't know if I did. I guess the negative in me says that I did give up. And I should feel like a quitter. But the positive me says that even if I did give up, I now know what I need to do to fix it!!! (because I'm sure not going to move back :) ) And that is what this post is about :) (betcha thought I was never going to get to the point huh!) I decided at that moment that I was not going to wait for a trial, or a "reason" to pray and be close to my Heavenly Father. I need to pray, read my scriptures, go to church, love my family, all those good things just because!!!! Not because I have a special need or something I am struggling with, but because I don't want to. I was pulled out of my trial and put into a beautiful situation and I think in a lot of cases this would cause me to be kind of lax about those spiritual responsibilities, kind of how it goes in the scriptures, but not this time!!! I feel so blessed to have been able to realize this!! It has made such a difference for me! And all those things that I thought were SO important while I was deprived of them, I am going to stop taking them for granted, I'm going to stop putting them off, and I am going to do them!!! I have been SO blessed. I have everything I could ever want/need right here. And as much as I know I sound like a spoiled little brat, not happy until I have what I want, I have to admit that I am happy now!! This knowledge has brought me that happiness..... finally!! I am very VERY indebted to my Father in Heaven.
SO! Today at church, that "not meant to be" feeling was gone!! I was so happy to not be feeling it. It was completely gone and all I could do was look around and wonder, and pray to know, who might be struggling with a trial or a situation in life that I could help them with. Since my hands aren't as full as some right now. It feels really good. It's a freeing feeling. I love that Heavenly Father has given me this knowledge, and I love that I am able to make this choice the right one and stop thinking so much about myself. Hopefully I can use it to benefit others. It's about time I start giving back, right!?
So there ya have it. I only called this "UGH" because that's how I have felt for the last 2 years and now I finally don't. I am going to start going to be early (now that Erika is and sleeping through the night). Waking up early to work out EVERY MORNING like I should and like I've wanted to for 2 years. I'm going to set a routine for housework and the kids' jobs and stick to it like I used to!! I'm going to plan fun things for Nate and I to enjoy together and actually carry them out!!! I'm going to get back into doing crafts and things with my kids like I used to, and spending more time playing with them and being on the floor with them. I missed that so much and yet I really haven't gotten back into it yet! I am just hoping to be a better mom and wife than I've been. It's gonna be awesome!!!
