For about the last 8 months Steve and I have had the privilege of spending our Thursday afternoons with our Nana. Yesterday was the last one. My sweet Nana passed away this morning. It started last Friday with a fall. And let me point out that Nana was perfectly "fine" on Thursday. She really seemed fine. We had even planned to come visit her the next day as well. But unfortunately life happened. She fell on Friday and was admitted to the hospital. She was in the hospital until Tuesday, with different problems. They found all sorts of strange things on her CT Scan, including internal bleeding, and were not quite sure what to do with her. I was happy to have been able to visit her a lot. Nate took the kids most nights while I sat there at the hospital. She was very coherent for the first time, and I got to talk to her a lot. But other times she was very drugged up and couldn't respond. That was difficult, but I knew she knew I was there and I wanted to be there for her. Then Tuesday after having her moved to the IMC hospital, she decided she wanted to just go home. She kept telling people that she was dying and that she wanted to be done, and how she wanted to be with family when died, and comfortable, not in the hospital. I don't blame her. I felt like the people at the hospital did not put comfort as a priority, and that is difficult for Nana. The last thing she needs is more reason to feel like a burden. Plus they kept making her visitors leave the room for the dumb rules. She really didn't like being there. But I really didn't think she was going to die. She has been wanting to be done with this life for a while and needing constant care was not her idea of a fulfilling life, so she had requested to be a DNR, and did not want any kind of life support whatsoever. She always made "jokes" about how it was her time to go, and we would always get mad at her for saying such things. But she really was ready to go. Still I didn't think she would. I thought that since she wanted to so badly, that it would be a lot longer before she did. I was sure she would recover from this, and be back to normal. Until Thursday. Thursday morning I was running some errands before heading over to Nana's (even though she was confined to her bed and pretty much unconscious), we had decided we were going to go over there and "have lunch with her" since it was Thursday. But we received a call from my Dad saying that she was not doing good and that she was probably going to go soon. She did look awful when we got there. It kind of hit me then that she may not make it out of this one. I am glad I got to spend a lot of the day Thursday, and then evening there with her. I was able to talk to her when she woke up and tell her that I love her. Thank her for the blanket she had started for my baby. I was able to give her lots of hugs and hold her hand. It was so hard. I cannot believe how much it hurt to see her like that. I am glad I was there though, Nana loved her family and loved visitors. I know that it must have meant a lot to her to have so many of us there (most of my siblings, and most of my cousins and all of her children had been there). I'm sure that was nice for her. I left Thursday night, and knew that I really might not see her the next day. Then when I got home it was really difficult to fall asleep. I couldn't stop thinking about her and all the memories I have with her. I finally fell asleep, but woke up around 5:45 for no reason. I am not sure what it was that woke me up. I didn't have to use the bathroom, the alarm clock was not supposed to go off for another 15 minutes. But I woke up and was thinking about Nana. I thought about how she had told Kade (my cousin's little boy) that anytime he needed Nana all he had to do was say her name and she would be there. It hit me that she had learned that she would still be alive after she died. We had had discussions about this before and I don't know if Nana was just being controversial, or if she really wasn't sure if we would see family after death, and still be Spirits. It kind of made me happy for her to know that she felt that way. Then a minute later, the phone rang. It was my Dad, and of course the bad news. I cried a lot. I couldn't help but think that those couple of minutes before the phone rang, that she had been there telling me goodbye. I don't know if that is possible, but that was the feeling I had. I am so lucky to have Nate for a husband though, he wrapped his arms around me and let me cry. Then he called in to his work and got leave. The day was packed with Dr. appointments, and driving, so I was able to talk to Nate and reminisce about Nana all day. I have to say, I really love my Nana. She is one of my heroes. One of the saddest things I think I have thought about is the fact that she will not be here to hold my baby girl. One of the fun things about having a new baby is being able to show them off to Nana and letting her hold them. She loved holding my babies, and I loved that. It's still just not easy for me to think about. I keep hanging on to the hope that she is with my little girl right now and that she might be helping my little girl get ready to come down here. I told her to tell my baby hi for me and that we were excited to see her. I hope that she got to meet Nana.
I feel really strongly that it is pimortant to get down some of my memories and the things that I love about her while they are fresh in my mind. So even though this post is already long.....
-Last Thursday, while we were at Carl's Jr., I asked Nana if she would want to make a blanket for my baby for her blessing day (each of our kids have had their own special blessing blanket and I just wanted to carry that out.....) Nana was always looking for more projects too, so I thought she might find that fun, so I told her that I would buy the yarn if she wouldn't mind making it and that there was no rush because we probably wouldn't be blessing her until January. Well, turns out that she had gone home and just started right on that blanket that night because when we got to Nana's house on Tuesday to wait for the hospital bed to be delivered, I noticed the halfdone, crochetted, white blanket, sitting on her coffee table. Is that not the sweetest thing!! I am going to try to figure out what stitch she was going and finish it for my baby.... I think it will always be very sentimental to me. It really meant a lot to me though that she had done that.
- Again, last Thursday (I feel so privileged to have been able to make so many new memories with Nana, so many recent times that we have been able to spend with her), when we were at Carl's Jr., Bradley had come over and told me that this boy (he did have long hair and looked like a little girl) was picking on him. I told him to just stay away from him. Then Nana chimed in and said, "Are you going to let a GIRL pick on you?" And I totally thought that Nana had really thought that the little boy was a girl, so I quietly said to her (since the child's mom was just tables over and could probably hear her) "Nana, he's a BOY!" and to that she quietly replied, "ssshhhh, I'm trying to embarrass him!" She was totally trying to make that other little boy feel bad for picking on her great-grandson!! I thought it was hilarious. Steve and I laughed for about 20 minutes. She was always saying and doing funny things like that. She was always good for a laugh.
- When Nana was really out of it I felt the need to keep bringing up our Thursdays, and reminding her that it was coming up, so that she would come back to reality. I feel like that helped both of us to connect even though she was so incoherent. I could see in her eyes that she knew what I was talking about. She always told us how much she enjoyed our Thursday outing. And how much she looked forward to it. I would always tell her how much it meant to us, and how much we looked forward to it too. It's funny, but Nana really has been one of my only friends here. I feel like she was the one we thought to hang out with whenever we had a free minute or if we were going anywhere, we always wanted to invite Nana. I feel like I've lost more than just my Grandma, I feel like I've lost a close friend.
- Nana has always been a good listener. She always let me be myself too. If I needed to complain, she would complain with me :) I will always appreciate the fact that she never sided with the person I was mad at, she would defend me and make me feel like I was justified in feeling the way I did (even if it wastn't so, it was nice to have someone on my side).
- I was always so happy to see Nana when she and my dad would drive ALL THE WAY out to Eagle Mountain last year to visit. She came so often! I know it wasn't easy for her to sit in the car for that long, but it sure was fun to let her hold Noah and be there with me and my kids. I remember a few times where she just sat there and held Noah for hours. He would just sleep through it all too. Probably because Nana was so shaky :) it felt like his little vibrating seat. She would have held him even longer if he hadn't needed to eat. I am so grateful that my kids know Nana right now and that they got to spend so much time with her as well. They miss her and are sad she is gone too.
- Every week at Carl's Jr. they would screw up on Nana's order somehow. Whether it was not giving her the guacamole to go with her burritos (which we found out later were supposed to cost extra), or not putting the bacon on her bacon cheese burger. She had the worst luck when it came to ordering :).
- Nana loved BLTs and I always felt like that was one of our little things that we had in common.
- When I was moving some things around to make room for the hospital bed in her living room, I came across about a million little folded up candy wrappers. Nana LOVED candy, and she had a habit of folding things. These were folded into perfect little squares, each one of them about 2 cm wide and 2 cm long. So funny! I actually do the folding thing too, just not as obsessively :).
- About a month ago when we were at Elaine's funeral Nana and I had a conversation about how expensive funerals are and Nana mentioned how silly she thinks it is that people go all out on the casket. She said she wanted a pine box when she died. Something cheap. And then another time she told us that she just wanted us to sharpen her feet and pound her into the ground.
- A couple of years ago when we were going to gravesites for Memorial day Nana laid down on the ground in the spot where she will be buried to "see if she will fit" LOL, it was so funny.
- Even in the middle of her not feeling well this last week, and in and out of coherentness, she remembered all of my kids names. She was doing so well with that this last year. It was fun that she could get them all right. She had a hard time keeping them all straight before, which is understandable, but it sure was fun when she remembered. She still kept calling Nate Matt though :) We never could cure her of that :)
- My sybolic little brother just informed me that if I finish the blanket Nana was making for my baby and use it for her, then Nana WILL be holding her in a sense. Cute thought.
- Is it cooler in the Mountains than it is in the Summer?
- What do you think of the rectum as a whole?
- She was known to say these two lines (usually together), but when she was bored and didn't have much else to say :) We always got a good laugh :)
- Nana taught me the value of going till the end. No matter what she felt like she just kept going.
- She also taught me the importance of family. She didn't go a Memorial Day without visiting all of her family members' gravesites. It was VERY important to her that she bring flowers as well. Even if they were the cheaply packaged ones that you are supposed to plant in your garden and had to tear them apart from each other to have enough for each head stone :) She's so funny.
- Frugality as well.
- Nana's was one of the few places I could take my kids and not stress about them the whole time. Everywhere else that we go I am just a complete wreck trying to keep them out of everything and trying not to impose too much. 5 little kids is a lot to have in a small house like Nana's, but she always made us feel welcome. She was so patient with everyone and was fine with them just being themselves. She was just happy to have company, she didn't mind that we were completely destroying her house. And I am grateful for her patience.
- Noah has been Nana's little buddy for the last little while. He was the one that would step up and give hugs and kisses when the older kids were too shy. When we were at lunch he would play with Nana the whole time, sharing drinks, fries, you name it..... they were cute together. And Nana never got sick of me telling her how adorable he is. She would smile and laugh at the things he did and have so much fun with him.
I'm going to have to add to this post. It's all kind of overwhelming to me right now. But I am pretty sure this post is only for me :) and my blog book.
This is my sister-in-law's (and my brother's too I guess) photography business. I probably should have waited a couple of weeks until after she takes the pictures of my kids to show off and advertise with, but I guess I can just do it again then. But if you are looking for a photographer for any occasion you need to check out her blog. They just bought the nicest camera ever and she's a pro with photoshop so you really can't go wrong. Not to mention she really doesn't charge enough (don't tell her I said that) so that's an added bonus for you! She does an amazing job! Anyway, you should totally go check out her blog!
