As we were sitting at Burger King eating our free ice cream cones, this guy came over and a very familiar question popped out of his mouth, "Are all six of these kids yours?" I pointed down at Jack in his seat on the floor and in a very routine tone said, "All SEVEN of these kids are mine, yes." I thought I knew what was coming, since it usually does, but I was wrong :). Happily, he replied, "Oh, cool! I have seven kids too! Very rarely do you see families with seven kids anymore! That's so awesome!" I was relieved and agreed, and mentioned how much I love it. He asked a few more questions about ages (his were similarly close in age) and made a pretty bold statement about how people these days are selfish and only have one or two. Which I found a little judgemental, and I have to say I disagree with for the most part. I guess I have my theory about that already. Which is: there is probably a small percentage of "one-or-two-child-parents" who could have more and should, but are being selfish, but the rest of the group are people who SHOULDN'T have more kids, and people who are TRYING!!! I know too many people who are "stuck" at two (if you will). They want and pray for more and ache every time they see someone who has more. Especially those who don't appreciate what a blessing they've been given. Every month they're left with that empty feeling and the anxiety of yet another month. I can't imagine how that would be for those of you who have gone years. The few times it took us more than a month were the hardest. I really can't imagine what longer would feel like. I hope I never do. So I really just hate it when people assume that everyone who doesn't have 20 kids is being selfish. I wish I'd stuck up for those of you who try, and those of you who are making a wise decision NOT to have more. But I didn't. I'm sure he didn't mean it offensively anyway. But that does stand out to me as something that I'm sure people would assume I agree with. Having seven kids myself. I feel like I was prepared to have a large family. I always wanted a large family, and I prayed everyday after finding out at 17, that I might have difficulty getting pregnant, for a large family. It was a big deal to me. I know that the Lord wants me to have this family. That doesn't mean that He wants everyone to have seven kids. It's not for everyone. I believe we are all different and have different missions here on earth. And truth be told, I struggled just as much with 2 as I do now with 7, so it's not like I think it's easier. There really is just less and less time for myself as we have more. That is a sacrifice I am willing to make. SO anyway. Back to the conversation. The guy then asked the dreaded, "are you going to have any more?" The reason this is dreaded is not because I don't know, it's because I don't know when. I think about this E V E R Y S I N G L E D A Y O F M Y L I F E!!!!! It's overwhelming in fact, to think about it, simply because I don't know how I will do it! I WANT more kids. There's no question about that. I feel like there are more Spirits waiting to come to our family. There's no question about that. The question lies in whether Nate and I will be able to do it. Whether my body will take it or not. And whether Heavenly Father will see fit to send us any more. It's not entirely up to us. I believe there have been Spirits who wanted to come to our family, but got tired of waiting their turn. I believe there are Spirits who want to come to our family, but will not get to simply because it will be time for us to be done. That makes my heart ache to think about it, but it is Heavenly Father's plan. I know He will bless us with the desires of our hearts if we are obedient. I know that He knows me and knows what I can do. I hope that we will be able to recognize the promptings of the Spirit and be ready when it is time. I'm sure I sound ridiculous to some of you and I wouldn't be surprised if many of you thought I was crazy. That's that. I probably am. But crazy or not, this is how it is. So in answer to the guy's question, I said, "Umm.... we're not sure, we'll cross that bridge when we get there." I hated my answer. I always hope I'm not offending those Spirits who want to come when I say stuff like that. I hope they know what I feel in my heart and not what I say when I'm trying to avoid the subject or judgement. It's a special subject for me.
But here's the real reason I wanted to go into detail about this, it was what he said. And even still, it makes me rethink how I answer this question. He said, "We want to! My wife wants to have as many kids as she can! We've been trying for number 8!" All excited-like! How cool is that! They are so easy! Just "We want to!" I wish I could just say that. I wish it was that easy for me to show my faith. I'm so weak sometimes. I'm just not up there with them. It's tough to admit that as much as I want to, I worry. I worry about stupid things like what people think when I tell them I'm okay with having an eighth child, or about how we'll fit them in the car, or where in the house. Or the biggest one for me, the pregnancy! These are all silly things to worry about when bringing a new Spirit into the world. Those things ALWAYS work themselves out. I don't know why I go over this in my head as often as I do. It dominates my mind a lot of the time. After I had Kelly and wondered how I would ever be able have the big family I wanted, because it was so difficult to make the transition to "just two", I had a good friend say something to me that really offended me at the time. She said, "Just enjoy the kids that you have." I was offended because it implied that I wasn't enjoying them. Luckily I took this as a challenge and now, I'm afraid this is part of the reason I want more :). I do enjoy my kids. They are the light of my life! The more light I have the better :). Each new person brings a new little ray of sunshine to my day. Every cute little phrase, all the achievements, the cuddles, the giggles, the smiles, the hugs and kisses (especially the cute open mouth baby kisses :) ), the talks and the trials together.... all of it. I enjoy all of it! I can't find anything else that offers as much pleasure and joy as my children and having my best friend to enjoy them with! Why wouldn't I want more???!!! This joy isn't free. Kids are work, and it is a sacrifice, but it's SO worth it. More than worth it, I feel like I come out on top for sure. The things you give up to have kids are so meaningless. It's been such a blessing to have that knowledge in my life. I am so blessed to have the kids I have, to have the husband I have, who loves me and knows how much it means to me to be able to stay home with my kids. He's worked SO hard to make it possible for me to be home with them. I couldn't have enjoyed it as much without that. I'm rambling now. I guess I just want to shout it from the tops of the mountains, "I LOVE MY BIG FAMILY AND YES I WANT MORE!! I WANT ANYONE WHO HEAVENLY FATHER WANTS TO GIVE US!!!" And I wish I'd said that all the millions of times I've been asked this question. I am resolving to do so from here on out. And there's my lengthy post about that experience at Burger King. Funny what a one minute conversation with a stranger can do to me :).
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