MONDAY MONDAY
Today was not my favorite day. I feel like I am sinking into that dumb mental hole again. I just got done saying, just the other day, at Girls Camp, that I don't feel like this pregnancy has effected me as much emotionally and then I have a day like today. Felt a little like an emotional roller coaster. I feel so distant. Like my head is stuck in a cloud or something. I feel like I haven't connected with my kids for days. Like I'm just trying to get by every second! It's hard. I had my Dr. Appointment today, that was okay. The dumb glucose test went well. Got to spend a lot of time chatting with Nate at the appointment and then some more over sushi, so that was nice. But on the way home I started to kind of lose it a little in the crazy traffic. It's really starting to worry me that I can't get myself to think about this baby girl and imagine what it will be like when she's here. Anytime I try to visualize she and I bonding in our hospital room (which is something that has always carried me through these pregnancies), I get this sick feeling like I shouldn't. I wish I knew why. I hope it's just my crazy brain. I have had so many friends and people close to me losing their babies that it has been a major fear for me. There's no way I could handle that. I talked to Nate about it a little on the phone (we had to drive separate) and he reassured me that our little girl wants me to be excited for her to come. He said, "You're not a robot." I hope he's right. I found a quiet spot this evening and closed my eyes and tried to take myself to those moments following her delivery, the recovery room, the sleepless nights of putting her in and out of her little bed (it's inevitable :) ) and for a split second I was there. Unfortunately it didn't last long, though. It's so weird. Even planning her Halloween costume feels like I'm jumping to a conclusion that I shouldn't. So hopefully my brain is just being cautious. Hopefully I get to keep her and this is just to make me feel even more blessed and more grateful for the miracle that a new baby is. Not to take her for granted. I hope. I love that all I have to do is think about her and I can feel her bouncing around in there. She seems perfectly healthy. I hope she is.
The evening was not a whole lot better than the rest of the day. I'm going to have to get my emotions under check here before we leave for Nauvoo, so I guess I know what I should be praying for now. 6-29-15
FHE
During dinner, Luke informed me that he hadn't quite planned his lesson yet. I told him to hurry and think of something, but I had no idea he could pull off such an amazing lesson in that amount of time! He taught us about tithing! He asked lots of questions, stood up in front of everyone, even had a few demos of how to calculate 10%! I was so proud of him! This is a first for Lukey. I'm really glad I didn't cave and try to help him like I usually do! He totally stepped it up. What a cool guy. I think our kids really needed the refresher course on tithing too! Based on the answers and such. But way to go Luke! Nate had activity and Jack had treat so they combined forces so that Nate could demonstrate the soda can analogy with our root beer for root beer floats :). I got to show the kids how Brent and I used to smash cans (standing on them and flicking in the side just enough for the whole can to collapse), good times. Everyone was happy. 6-29-15
SOFTBALL
It was softball night for YW this week. I had been planning on being on our trip so I never really planned on going, but since we rescheduled our trip to start Thursday instead, it was then an option. I really had too much to do that evening with packing and all, but then I kept getting texts and calls from other leaders that nobody was going to be able to make it. Needless to say, it was good that I went. I wish I could feel good about going to things before and not just after. I was really dragging my feet emotionally, but felt like it had been a good time at the end. I need to fix this. It was back to packing when we got home. 7-1-15
31 WEEKS
I hit 31 weeks while we were on our trip. I was pleasantly surprised with how well things were going pregnancy wise. I wish I'd been able to stay hydrated without filling my bladder, but that's really not possible. I get that. Baby Lullow (that's what Jack wants to name her :) ) moves nonstop which as I've said a million other times has been such a blessing. I am enjoying it a lot. That's one of the only things I like about being pregnant, so I'm happy I get to experience it often. She didn't seem too uncomfortable with all the driving which was a definite plus. There was plenty of cramping and hip dysplasia every night which made getting up a million times to pee unpleasant. But I'm SO grateful that it didn't bother me during the day too much. There were only a few days where it became too much to handle and brought me to tears. I'm not ready for that symptom to come out in full force. So far it's a little late (according to the Jack pregnancy scale) so I'm hopeful that it won't, but we'll see. I'm still not getting the "I need to pee" sensation, I have to go off how much pain and pressure I am feeling in my pelvic and pubic bones, which is frustrating and confusing sometimes. There have been occasional kicks from Lullow directly to my bladder those definitely send me to the restroom. Those are almost good because it feels normal instead of painful. Very interesting new symptom that I think I caused at Girls Camp that night that I needed to pee. Should have just toughed it out and walked the quarter of a mile to the bathroom. I learned my lesson. Not that that matters now. So anyway. 8 more weeks!! 7-4-15
No comments:
Post a Comment