Pregnancy Journal

3-28-12
I know this is probably going to end up being a really negative post, but I need to get some thoughts down.  This pregnancy is making me feel SO BLAH right now.  I feel so gross.  Chubby, lazy, tired, greasy.... just ugh.  And it's getting so frustrating for me.  I know I shouldn't expect to feel normal... I've been here, I know what it feels like, it feels like this every time, but that doesn't make it any easier.  In fact, the thing that has been making me go crazy all day is that I keep thinking about whether I really think I could do this again.  DUH!  I don't know if it's the Spirit prompting me to think about a number 8 or if I'm really just out of my head, but I have for quite some time now.  I had a blessing just after we had Erika and I was told there are more spiritS (with an "s") waiting to come to our family, and that there is not a set number of kids I am "supposed to have".  It was a strange couple of sentences that left me confused.  Did he mean that there were spirits who wanted to come to my family who wouldn't be able to??  So anyway, either way, I started to feel (and have for most of my life) that there were 2 more.  This baby is the first one, and in my head, there is one more.  I don't really know where this all comes from.  I am really starting to sound crazy to most people, I am sure, and if you think I am, please let me know so I can uninvite you to my blog.  These are my personal feelings.  They are real.  I would be kidding myself if I pretended they didn't exist.  Today has been a difficult day.  Well, yesterday and today for that matter.  I am burning out.  It feels like I should have been done with the yuckies a while ago, and I'm losing patience and hope.  So while I'm hugging Nate, the thought comes to me to tell him NOT to let me do this again!  Like I was feeling so done with it, and that I realize I forget how horrible it is, so just don't even let me think about it ever again.  (I really did think this for a minute)  But then I felt like that would offend someone (or more than one someone) if I said that.  It was an interesting feeling.  I decided not to say it.  I struggled with the thoughts for a minute and then when Nate and I and the kids were on a walk, I started to think about number 8 again.  Wondering if there really was a number 8 who wanted to come to our family and they were going to be left out if I started to think the way I had earlier.  I had an interesting conversation with my Heavenly Father about this.  I don't really feel like I've had an answer concerning the matter, but I felt comforted.  I tried to tell myself to stop thinking about it, since there really isn't anything I can do at this point.  It's so strange to me that this happens.  Every time I've had a baby I obsess over the next one the entire time.  I can't help but wonder if it is just me.  Just my weirdness.  Pregnancy stinks.  I really don't like it.  There are a couple things that make it a little more bearable, but other than that.... it's just that cute little baby at the end of the tunnel that makes it worth it.  So anyway.  The ramblings inside of my head.  I want to try to just focus on here and now right now.  I will keep my mind open and frankly, I've never been able to say "I'm done."  I've never felt that way... so we will see.  Maybe things will change.  And who knows what Heavenly Father has in store.  I could see him preparing me for more, but I could also see it going a different direction.  We'll just have to see I guess.  In the meantime!!!!!  I am getting anxious to see what the gender is!  I'm starting to feel more like it's a girl for some reason.  Probably just because I didn't feel as crappy with the boys.  But as I've said before, maybe I'm just getting too old for this.