Insecurity

Alright, so I finally put a name on how I've been feeling lately.  It's insecure.  I'm not sure why I'm making a post about my insecurity, but for some reason it felt like it might help to get some feelings out there.  Nothing serious, just been on my mind the last week or so.  Probably just PMS at it's best/worst.  Have I mentioned how much I hate PMS?  Yeah, I think that could be one of the main contributors to my having a large family.  Not really.  But probably a little. 

I have finally been making friends in my new ward.  I was invited to an "American Idol night:" that some of the girls here have, and that was a lot of fun.  I've been doing my Visiting Teaching, I was visit taught, I have mingled with a lot of people at church and at the school with Charity and Kelly being in the play and all.  And I've just been talking with lot of other moms.  More than usual.  I think there's something in my brain (or maybe it's just Satan, who knows) that makes me feel like everyone is doing better and more than me.  Whether it's having the "fulfilling" part time job on the side, or the extravagant hobbies, home remodeling or super smart kids.  I'm not sure why I have to feel the way I do, but lately it's been kind of low-self-esteem overload.  Or as I am now calling it, insecure.  I feel like everything I do on a regular basis is constantly challenged.  And I feel like I have to constantly redefine why I do what I do and constantly validate myself to myself.  I do sound crazy.  I probably am. 

I am a Mom.  That's all I really am right now.  And in my heart I know that that is enough.  I know that I love my kids, they love me, they are taken care of and most of the time are happy.  This SHOULD be enough right??  Well, why does my brain have to keep telling me it's not?  Why do I have to keep justifying it to myself?  Lately I have spent a lot of time online doing the couponing.  I enjoy finding a good deal and possibly saving some money for our family (or in my opinion it's not saving money, it's getting more for your money, but either way, I feel like it's a good thing to spend my time doing).  But it's really time consuming.  I spend a lot of time filtering through emails and blogs..... sometimes I wonder if it's worth it.  It's almost a hobby at this point.  And for the most part, I enjoy it.  But then when I hear about some of the really productive or "fulfilling" hobbies that other people have, I guess I get a little jealous.  I feel like I'm doing the lame saving money hobby while everyone else gets to do the fun (spending money) hobbies.  I don't want to be jealous everytime I hear about what someone else can do.  I hate those feelings!  I hate it when I go through craft blogs and all I can think about is how little time and money I have and could never accomplish something that cool.  It all comes back to being a mom and how that SHOULD be enough, but sometimes it doesn't feel like it is. 

I'm really grateful that Ashleigh sent me that link to that blog a while back because I keep trying to focus on the things I read from the prophets about being a mom.  I keep trying to remind myself what it means to be a mom.  It's so hard to feel like it's enough.  Is it because I'm not doing enough as a mom?  I don't know.  Is it just Satan weasling his way into my thoughts?  Probably at least a little.  I hate Satan.  He's such a jerk!  Trying to ruin my self-esteem when I have the coolest job on the planet!  I hate how I have to second guess all the things that I do too.  It's like I was telling Nate, I almost wish I had someone standing over me, telling me what to do every second.  I almost don't like all the "free time" I have or managing my own time.  Sometimes I'm good at it, but sometimes I'm horrible and it's times like those that I just know I"m not using my time wisely.  I hate that.  Wouldn't it be nice to just have a little checklist from Heavenly Father (he's the one we work for, as moms, right?) telling me step by step what to do each day.  How many times I should sweep the floor, how many times the dishes can wait, and how often I need to wash the towels.  Which kid needs to have his toenails clipped on which days, whose homework folder needs to be checked off and which week we're on.  I wish He really could just spell out all of my responsibilities as He sees it.  That would make things so much easier for me.  Which is probably why he doesn't huh.  "Hard makes us stronger".  That's what I told Charity the other day and when it came out of my mouth I realized it wasn't something I had thought of and said on my own.  Heavenly Father wanted me to notice it too because it's been stuck in my head since then.  I know that managing my time, and learning to manage it well is one of the things I need to learn on my own.  It's a bummer, but it's true.  I think I've been doing well at it lately and now Satan is trying to make me second guess it all.  Stupid Satan. 

Well. 

Anyway. 

I feel like I need to be more secure with who I am.  I need to be more confident with what I am doing as a mom.  I need to recognize what a blessing it is to be a mom and spend my time with my kids.  And not just part of my time, I really do get to spend ALL of my time with my kids.  That can be just as fulfilling as a part time Nursing job, or the newly remodeled kitchen if not more.  I need to just keep that in my head and have it ready there as ammo as soon as those negative thoughts come rolling in.  Reminds me of Brother Green in the Russian Jack ward, talking about how the Bible and the Book of Mormon are in their holsters ready to be whipped out and used/taught on whoever or whatever is out there.  And knowing that you have that protection.  I need to keep my happy-Mom thoughts, and good self-esteem in their holsters, right at my side, so that as soon as I get those feelings I am not good enough, I'll be ready. 

Wouldn't it be nice to have a paycheck as a mom.  And not just for the money (though that would be nice), but to have it spelled out for you exactly what you've accomplished for the week.  All the things that mattered that got done.  All the fights  you broke up, and all the lessons that were learned.  Even the things that may have been gained from your example.  All the extra things you did that you really didn't have to do, but you sacrificed some of the time you could have used for yourself in order to better the home for the family.  All the HOURS and HOURS of sheer WORRY!  Yeah! that would REALLY make things nice and "fulfilling".  Just like hearing Nate say, "house looks nice" is music to my ears!!  It makes it all worth it. 

So anyway. 

Like I said, I just need to stop being so insecure.  I need to be okay with myself.  HAPPY with myself in fact, and what I do.  I think I would be able to smile easier too if I just focused on letting what I do be enough for now.  Until I can do more.  And doing what I can to manage my time wisely.  Those are the things I'm going to start working on. 

Well, I need to go read with Brad now.  Something I love and enjoy, and will put on my list of things I accomplished AND ENJOYED today!  Thanks for letting me vent.  Thanks for not judging me too.  (please) :)