So all of a sudden (after having missed a few weeks of church recently for different kids' illnesses) I have had a hard time getting myself motivated to go to church. It's so weird how this happens to me. Even when I've missed for someone other than myself. I know this is why I am so strict about going. It's really weird for me to go back when I've missed so much. I hate how Satan jumps on that right away with me. So anyway. Church was good. I was really grateful for the Word of Wisdom lesson we had in YW. It was something I really needed to hear. I'm struggling a lot right now with how I look and the desire to lose weight. I feel like I'm stuck here with this dumb cold and my feet hurting so bad. But hopefully I can focus more on what I'm taking in while I'm working on getting better. It will only help I think. 11-30-14
PROGRESSIVE DINNER
We had the most amazing RS activity this week. It was a progressive dinner. They split us up into groups, different groups, for each part of the meal, appetizer, salad, and main course. So we went from house to house, visiting and enjoying time together. Then we all met up at Kathie Christensen's home for dessert. It was so much fun!! I really loved it. I especially loved the time visiting at the end. Heather said some really nice things to me that just really made my day. It was the perfect timing really. I had a great time. 12-1-14
YOUNG WOMEN CHRISTMAS PARTY
We had a fun little Christmas party put on by the Beehives. We played the white elephant game and ate goodies, Then frosted cookies. I thought it was a blast. I haven't laughed that hard in a while. There were so many good gag gift/white elephants. I wish I had been as creative :). I think my favorite thing was that the cute Beehives (Charity included) brought decorations and really gave the Primary room some atmosphere :). So cute. 12-10-14
Our ward party was a breakfast this year- I think this is a tradition in this ward. I like it. I really liked this one, but I was a nervous wreck the whole time. Over the past few months I've come to grips with the fact (maybe again) that I am might get more nervous for my kids and their nerve-racking things than I do my own! And that is saying a lot. They had passed around a sign up sheet a few weeks prior for people who would like to share a talent at the ward party. My kids all signed up of course, being the great examples that they are and not hiding their talents under a bushel. I got a little nervous for them a few days before and wondered if they really had to do it. But they pulled me through all the practicing and planning. Kelly sang "Gethsemane", did such an amazing job, I accompanied her and only messed up a little so that was nice. Bradley and Luke did their "weird voice" singing to "Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer". Turned out to be quite a hit. I was glad :). Those things can really go either way if you ask me. I was glad that they were received well. They got plenty of laughs and had a lot of fun sharing that talent with the ward. Charity sang "O Holy Night". We found the karaoke version of it on itunes and just played it off of my phone, but for some stupid reason I screwed up playing it and kept playing the vocal version of it!! I had to start and stop the music about three times before she was able to carry on with the song. She was a rock and did so well regardless of my chubby-finger slip up. She sounded great!
Everyone kept complimenting us on our kids and asking where they had voice lessons and such... kinda funny. Very flattering for them though and I know they love that :). I wish I could calm myself down in those situations and not take it all so seriously, and just relax, but I haven't figured out how to do that yet. The rest of the party was a lot of fun though, Santa came. I think I got a pic on my phone... I should upload all my stuff one of these days. 12-6-14
FRIENDS
So I had a lot of thoughts this week about friends, and I wanted to make a whole big blog post about it afterwards, but I think most of the thoughts I had are now gone. Too bad I don't act on those promptings sooner. Either way though, I thought I would still jot down a few things that are lingering.
For the past couple years, I've had opportunities to get together with some of my old friends from Elementary, Middle, and High School. Even college roommates. It's been such an eye opening experience for me. Most of these visits have been littered with reminders of things I did as a kid, young adult, teenager, things that I am not proud of. Things I did TO people, WITH people, or just the kind of person I was. It is so embarrassing to hash and rehash some of those experiences. It's been extremely humbling. I have felt the need to apologize, and the need to run away and hide, then crawl into my bed and sob. It's been hard to say the least. I wish so badly that I could go back. Take it all back and be the perfect angel I know was in there. I wish I could take back the things I experienced in my home, with my family, the things that people did to me, the things that I did to them, the things that I had to go through because of other people's choices. I would love to take it all back. Those are experiences in my life that I don't really feel benefited me in any way. And I'm not saying they didn't, just that I don't know how. I wish I could go back and do it all right. I wish other people could not remember who I was or what I did. I wish people could excuse it or write it all off as me making mistakes. I wish they could forget it all. I had. Until now I really didn't think all that much about it all. It's stayed hidden in the recesses of my mind. Maybe it needed to be uncovered, who knows. So this week, I got together with my good friend Andrea. She and I go WAY back. We were bestest buds in High School and even roommates for almost a year in Orem while we both went to UVSC. We are still pretty close, pretty good friends. While we were at lunch this week, I was reminded of (again) some of the unpleasant choices I made in front of Andrea. It was once again, a humbling experience. It hit me that I don't love my memories anymore, like I used to, of growing up. They've all been tainted with these things I must have purposely eliminated from my memory. I cried, and apologized (again). She didn't mean to hurt me in any way, and I think it was almost therapeutic for both of us to come to grips with things. It was hard though.
Since then I've had a lot of thoughts. I've beat myself up quite a bit about how I was. I've let it eat me up a little. I've worried about the relationships I've made since then and what I might be doing now to ruin or taint those. Thought about what kinds of things might be brought up in 20 more years. I came to the conclusion that I've changed. A lot. I am not who I used to be. I am glad. I have learned a lot and grown a lot. I live in a different kind of environment than I did back then. I am a different kind of friend. I know I'm not perfect, and there were some things that I definitely need to improve on, but I felt mostly good about the new me. That was encouraging. But it wasn't until today that I realized I needed to do something about those hideous memories that I had revisited. Today at Church (I know this should go on next week's TTR, but whatever :)), Debbie told us to think of the last time someone hurt us, the last time we felt sad, or angry about something and the only thing I could think about, was what I had done to myself recently about how I was in the past. I had really drug myself through the dirt and really punished myself. I made living really painful. Well, I thought about that and decided that I was the last person who had hurt me. Then she told us to forgive, and let it go. To give it to the Lord and let the Savior take it. She said that we need to move away from it. It felt so good to think about this. It felt so good to tell Heavenly Father I was sorry for the way I had behaved back when, and then told him I was going to give it to my Savior and that I am going to stop hurting myself with it and move away from it. This was so freeing. To feel like I can move on. I have no intention of going back to those ways, I've never wanted to hurt anyone. I am so relieved that I can start anew. It's refreshing to think that I don't need to keep hating myself for what I was. I can be who I want to be now. Moving forward. So anyway. I want to remember this moment and be able to look back on it. It's peaceful. 12-7-14
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