Goodbye

Well, it's over. Nana's funeral was yesterday. It was a nice day, although I don't think I could handle too many more like it. The funeral went well. It was nice to see so many people there to show support and say goodbye to Nana. I had a really hard time keepig it together pretty much the entire day. Any little thought of her brought me to tears. That's okay though. Normal I guess. I had the privilege of saying a few things to Nana (technically we were supposed to share a memory, but I couldn't. I wrote a letter to Nana instead. Which I plan to post on here when I find it), that was some nice closure for me. It was really tough to look at her in the casket, she didn't look anything like herself. Besides her Spirit wasn't there anyway. Michael and Susan did such a good job on all the pictures of her, all over the room, and the video. I loved seeing all the pictures of her the whole time. Nana HATED having her picture taken, so it's funny that there were so many. My Dad and I decided that she probably wouldn't be there since it would have driven her crazy to be surrounded in pictures of herself :). Most of the earlier ones she had her tongue out, or her hand blocking her face.... so funny! Noah spent the entire day saying "Na-na" like over and over. I can't help but wonder if he saw her or felt her presence, but it made me cry everytime. I picked him up to show him her in the casket and he said, "Bye!" to her. Then I told him to say, "I love you" (which I've never heard him say before) and he paused and then said, "Bye!" again. It was sweet. I really think that Noah was a huge blessing in Nana's life. He was always so sweet to her. He wasn't shy at all with her. Na-na was one of his first words, and he would start chanting it the minute we got on her street and in front of her house. He loved her. It was so fun to watch her be spoiled by him. He really made her feel special, and I'm so glad I got to be a part of that with them. He kept saying her name again as we were leaving the Mortuary, and so I handed him the program with her picture on the front, and he loved that. Pointing to her and saying Nana, and pointing out her eyes and nose :) I think I want to blow up some of the pictures I have of the kids with her and let them hang them in their room. Charity was tough. She said it was hard to not cry, and that she was sad. I am sure they will feel it more as time goes, but they all did really well. Kelly mostly just stayed by Grandpa which I think was nice for him. He was really sad. It's weird to see my dad choked up and so sad. I know he loved her. She was an amazing woman and taught us all so much. Bradley kept telling me that "Nana is dead. Are you sad?" He is a boy. I think it's cute when he asks me "who are we going to go to Carl's Jr. with now?" And all day today (Thursday) he has been asking if we are going to visit someone. Luke was confused with why we kept going to Nana's when she "alwedy died", but he has also been asking if we can go to Nana's today. I don't think it's hit everyone yet. I loved the funeral though. It was so Nana's. She would have loved it I think. the perfect mix of laughter and tears. And unless you can get embarrassed after you die, I think she would have really happy with how it all went. Nate said the closing prayer and did such a good job. I love how he blessed her to be comforted as she continues on the journey that she is on right now. I love to think of what she might be doing right now. I think she is being taught. More about the Gospel, and more of all the things she missed in this life. I hope she is receptive. I hope she is just loving it and takig it all in. I know she felt ready to go. I know she felt like it was her time. I know that she had a chance to feel closer to Heavenly Father during those few days before she left us. I realized that in a year I will be able to go and do some of her temple work for her and that just makes me so thrilled!!! I guess I assume that it's okay if I do it. I want to :) So hopefully that can be a reality in a year. It's just been a very bittersweet experience, this whole thing. I really had no idea it would be so hard for me. I do want to mention the awesome ladies from Nana's ward... I should mention Nana never went to church in that ward, but they still gave her visiting teachers who were generally quite faithful in their calling, and they also brought food and support when Nana came home, just a really great ward obviously..... anyway, we had 3 very awesome ladies come and run a nursery for us during the funeral. I think it was mostly just my kids in there, but HOW AWESOME are they!! And they were so sweet about doing it as well..... I couldn't be more grateful. It meant a lot to me to be able to listen to everything and not be distracted. I think that it was nice for the kids to not have to be there for all the tears as well. When we got to the cemetary I realized it was teh first time I had ever been there without "her" there. We always went to the graves on Memorial day with her. Her headstone has been there for a while in fact, right next to her parents', and one year we jokingly asked, "do you think you'll fit?" So being the funny lady that she was, she said, "I don't know should we check?" And laid down next to her headstone. SO FUNNY!!! Usually she just said taht she she died she wanted us to just sharpen her feet and pound her into the ground. But she always had a good joke. It was fun to think about those times when we were there. I decided that I will be sure to go and visit at least her grave every year. She deserves that. She always was so thoughtful of everyone else who had passed on. Good example. So after the cemetary, I dropped Nate off at the Wake at Nana's house and took Charity to the doctor. She had woke up that morning with blood in her urine (And can I just say, whether you want to hear it or not, it was a LOT of blood!! I honestly wondered if my little 7 year old was starting her period!! I've never seen that much blood from a uti). I assumed it was just a UTI, but when I called the doc they said I should hurry and bring her in. So amidst all the funeral mumbo jumbo, we went to the doctor. Of course it was the one time I've had to sit there way longer than I wanted to, but we did the pee sample, and of course it was a UTI, and she got some antibiotics. She's been so tough about it. Having to run to the bathroom in strange places all day. She is a good girl. I'm glad it's just a UTI and not her period, and I"m glad that she is getting better. And I"m glad that everyone was still at Nana's and having a good time for us to enjoy as well. Bambi's friend catered the whole thing. It was so nice to get together one last time for Nana. HOpefully that isn't the last time we all get together. I know Nana was the main reason for the get togethers, but I hope that we can continue. Family was a huge emphasis to Nana, and at the funeral, and it made me really grateful to be part of such an awesome family. The Ferguson Family is amazing. My Nana had 9 kids in her family. They all had lots of kids and then their kids had lots, so it's HUGE. And it really is a strong family. Everyone loves and shows so much support to each other. It's neat. I really felt grateful. I know Family was important to Nana too. She would do anythign for family. Okay, so I know I totally have gone on and on about my Nana. Liek I always say though, if you don't want to read it, don't :) but I wanted to thank all of you for your sweet comments and support and love. I know I"m not the only person who has ever lost a loved one, so I appreciate the concern and love. I hope that I haven't annoyed anyone with my wimpyness in dealing with her death. She's been such a good friend of mine that it is really hard to just let her go. Hopefully I don't, and hopefully she can just be in my heart all the time. I really hope that she can be one of my angels that I hear about so often :) I do love her so much.

Brad and Luke had a total blast at the Wake (the girls ran around like horses the whole time and had fun as well), but it was really fun to watch the boys playing with my cousin Nickole's son Coleman. They haven't stopped talking about him since last week. Brad wants to invite him to his birthday party and Luke says, "Coman is SO funny, Mom". It's fun to see them play together. Back when we were pregnant at the same time I thought they would be buds, but then they had to move to Idaho, so it's been a long time since we really saw them and hung out. HOpefully it's not the last, but I wanted to get pictures of them wrestling and running around. You'll have to excuse the pictures, it was dark.





Here is the letter I read for Nana at her funeral. It might be cheesy, but I really wanted it to come from my heart. It was difficult to know what to say even though I wasn't sure anyone would be able to hear it over my blubbering.

Dear Nana,

Thank you first of all for all the laughs. I love how freely you joked and took our teasing. Thank you for being the old lady that didn't drive slow. I remember bragging to my friends about how UN-old my Nana was. Thank you for teaching me how to give and the love of family. For teaching me that I can try and develop new skills. You always figured thigns out without being taught and I always thought that was cool. I'm sorry for all the times I was late. I promise to try to be more punctual and follow your example. Thank you for always letting me be myself. Complaining or goofing off- I never felt like you were judging me or would think less of me. Thanks for lettin gmy kids be themselves- eating all your candy and getting toys all over the place. You never made us feel uncomfortable or in the way. Thank you for all the gifts. I know how much you saved and sacrificed to make birthdays and holdiays special. I will think about you every Christmas Eve and miss the tradition of spending it with you. Thank you for holding my babies. For getting all excited with each one. I love that no matter how forgetful you got- you always remembered that I was expecting and when I was due. my heart aches at the thought of not being able to show off this next baby to you. I will miss seeing your face light up as you would have seen her for the first time. But thank you for the blanket you started for her. I will finish it and as Steve said, she will be with you when she is in it. I love the thought that the two of you may have already met and hope that if not that she does get the pleasure someday. I'm so glad we got to hang out so much lately. You've been my good friend when there haven't been many around. I will miss our Thursdays and I already miss all the times we would have been able to drop by. I will miss playing with Noah with you over lunch. And how much you enjoyed his attention and love. Nana, thank you for teaching me that no matter how hard it gets it could be worse and to just tough it out. I admire the strength that you showed in yoru own life- I can't even imagine going through half of what you did. Thank you for letting me feel like an important part of your life. You certainly will always be an important part of mine. I love you, Nana. I will miss you and think about you often. There will always be a special place for you in my heart.

Love forever,

Christa