Pregnancy Journal

4-30-12
I went in for my "official ultrasound" and things looked really well!  I was glad to see the placenta on the back of my uterus, and glad to see his cute little boy bumb again, and know that we are really having a boy :).  I couldn't believe how painful that ultrasound was!  The lady was pushing SO HARD!!  And maybe it's because my bladder was a little full, but it wasn't too full, just the 8 oz they requested.  I couldn't believe how awesome the quality on the ultrasound was.  We could see his cute little profile, skin and all, it was so neat!  I need to scan the pictures still, I will get around to that sometime.
After the ultrasound, we sat and waited FOREVER for my doctor and then he did next to nothing.  Just reminded me of the things to watch for as far as early labor goes, and then talked with Nate about the Jazz... very anticlimactic :).... but I guess that's better than bad news.
Thanks to Sarah and Brent watching the three little ones, this visit was possible.

5-4-12
I had a strange little conversation with someone last night that had me crying in the evening, then tossing and turning all night with strange dreams.  It was really frustrating.  The person I was talking to had been talking to someone else, about me, and this other person who works in the Labor and Delivery floor of the hospital as a nurse and had talked about me and "my situation" to doctors at work, and was "really worried about me having a 7th c-section because you're not supposed to have more than 4".  Duh.  First of all, why does EVERYONE TALK ABOUT ME BEHIND MY BACK???  This is not the first time I've heard the phrase, "_________ and I were talking about you and ________"  It's SO WEIRD!!!  Second!  I'm already halfway there!!!  I cannot do anything about this pregnancy except wait it out.... and HAVE A C-SECTION!!!!  So why do we feel the need to say anything about anything being dangerous, or not the way it should be?!!!  And THIRD!  Do they think I don't have a Doctor??  Do they think I just carelessly get pregnant without thinking it out or making sure it's okay???  Do they think I'm an idiot???  I'm not stupid, I KNOW it's strange to have 7 sections.  I know this is NOT the norm.  I have MANY friends who have been told "no more" after even 3.  I am not going to pretend like this isn't unusual.  But I have gone out of my way to make sure it's okay.  My doctor has NEVER said anything to make me think I shouldn't have more kids.  They have, on the other hand, told me how well I heal, how little scar tissue I have, how strong my uterus is, just about EVERY TIME I've been under the knife.  I go to the doctor before I get pregnant, I get all my exams, I make sure things are okay to have another baby, I'm not just accidentally getting pregnant, these are planned out.  I make sure to ask my Doctor EVERY TIME if it is okay to have another c-section.  He is not concerned.  WHY does someone who barely knows me (and doesn't have the decency to talk to me themselves) have the nerve to pretend to be worried about me and then talk about me behind my back?!!!!!  UGH!!!!!  Then she tried to tell me how I should "tell my doctor to deliver at 37 weeks or my uterus will rupture".  Yeah right.  I'm gonna go tell my doctor what to do, like he doesn't know what he's doing already. I know I'm probably blowing this out of proportion, but I just wish everyone would just mind their own business.  It is nobody's business what I do with my body.  I can do whatever I want.  I personally do want to take care of my body and don't want to do anything that would hurt my body.  I do what I can to make sure I am.  But it's nobody's business either way!!  My own Grandma had c-section with her first baby who was still born, then her uterus ruptured with her second pregnancy because she was carrying twins.  They told her not to have any more kids and she still got pregnant 4 years later and was able to delivery a healthy baby via c-section with that one.  She took a risk.  She did something that was totally frowned on back then.  But she knew it was the right thing.  Whether this is a risk for me or not (which I don't feel it is), it is the right thing to do.  And nobody seems to understand that.  It's not something that I am doing without thought and prayer.  I wish everyone could just leave me alone about it.  If this was a close friend, telling me this personally, and was genuinely concerned, I MAY have been more receptive and not so sensitive, but she's not!!  She's just some random person who really enjoys discussing me and my life choices to other people who aren't really close friends either!  And frankly, telling a pregnant woman that she should worry about her pregnancy and delivery is like telling a dog to bark.  THAT'S WHAT THEY DO!!!!!

I get so sick of the opposition with pregnancy.  And I'm not talking about how I feel (which is ALSO, HUGE OPPOSITION!).  People ask me how I feel, I tell them I feel like crap, and then dump some more crap on top of it as if there wasn't enough.  As soon as I find myself a happy place and feel like things are going to be fine, someone stomps on it all and smears it around.  Then I have to start all over.  I am just not emotionally stable enough for this right now.  I have been getting so overwhelmed with all the things I have on my plate right now.  And I'm sure it's nothing, just me being overwhelmed, but it gets to be too much for me mentally sometimes.  More than I feel I can handle.  May is always crazy with all the end of the year school stuff.  Programs, field trips, projects, bla bla bla, and then on top of that, I have all of these sudden assignments with my calling.  I LOVE my calling, please do not misunderstand me, but I just think there's a lot to do with it.  Because we are "probably moving" before September when our Primary Program is, instead of just releasing me and finding someone who can start working on the Program now and not be having a baby the month before, they want me to get the Program ready and have it all written up NOW.  Before I move.  Ugh.  I guess it's not the program part of it that's hard for me, it's finding the time to do it.  I'd like to be able to talk with all the kids individually and get some of their own words into the program, but as of this Sunday I will also be filling in for the Primary Pianist until we can get someone else.  I have no idea when I will be able to meet with the kids.  This tires me out just thinking about it.  Then I am still supposed to find time to practice for the Organ, and the piano now.  UGH.  I don't mean to complain.  I don't want to complain about a calling because then I miss out on all the blessings.  I just need to talk about it.  Get some of my frustration out so that I can move on and just do it all.  It's going to be interesting.

There.  I feel better.  Sorry if you read this whole post.  I promise to calm down and not hurt anyone.  Though I have considered forbidding myself from going out in public for the next 4 months.  It just might be safer for everyone.... including myself.