Yesterday as I was sitting here, just sitting here, I started to feel a little anxious, you know, that "I should be doing something right now" feeling. When I noticed I was feeling that way I thought, "what am I so anxious about?" It was weird because I didn't have ANYTHING planned that day. There wasn't anywhere I needed to go (minus the store, but that doesn't count), and there wasn't anything (besides housework) that I needed to do. Theoretically it was a no stress day. But I was feeling stressed! It was weird. Well, eventually I was able to convince myself that there was nothing to stress about and it was okay to just relax. Does this happen to anyone else?? I enjoy relaxing. I enjoy just sitting here normally. I hate it when I can't just sit here and relax without worrying about what is next. Especially when there isn't anything next. I am going to have work on this. Work on letting myself relax and not stressing. I think a lot of it has to do with just getting through the Christmas season.... that's always pretty busy and stressful.... maybe my brain is just still in that mode. Plus I've got who knows how many hormones (I'm sure many of you could give an educated guess, but I'm sure it's a lot) going through my body that don't exactly aide in stress reduction. So anyway. I don't know why I'm writing about it, I just felt like it was significant.
So today, Saturday, we had a Lazy Saturday. It has been awesome!! We all slept in, sat around in jammies, and just relaxed. Nate got out the turkey that we haven't eaten since we put it off on Christmas, I made some cookies, and we watched Hannah Montana Movie and danced around playing the music over and over again. Most of us had a nap. It was heavenly. The kids made a few tents in the playroom, played dogs, ate cookies. And then it happened! Charity started to feel sick right as we were trying to get the kids to clean up the playroom. She had been bouncing off the walls since the movie night the night before.... she did not seem sick in ANY way so Nate and I hesitated to let her just lay down since this is something they do often to get out of jobs and stuff (kids!). We were still sympathetic, just not letting her stop cleaning until it was done. Mean parents. Once they were done though, it became obvious that she was not doing well. She came in to me and looked at me with closed lips, wide eyes and I knew she was going to blow! She has thrown up about a million times!!! Most of it looked like undigested chocolate chip cookie (sorry if that was tmi) so I don't know, too many cookies maybe, but I felt so bad for her. I hate throwing up and have done it so much recently that I just hated watching her throw up.... I just about cried. It was hard to hold back my tears. I don't know if I've ever been emotional about throwing up..... but I felt her pain. And for the first time I didn't get sick being in the same room.
So we sat down for our delicious turkey dinner, courtesy of Nate, and just as I was about to take my first bite, sweet little Erika blew out her diaper. Completely. It was EVERYWHERE. And it didn't take long before it was all over me. I ran into my room and started changing her. There was poop all over her clothes. And this isn't a new thing for her, in fact, it happens at least once a day (and we have moved up to the next size, just so you know), but for some reason this time, it stood out. With all the laughter I'd heard, cuddling we'd done, vomit I had cleaned up, dances I had watched, and then the poop wiping, it occurred to me that this Mom thing covers a lot of ground. It's not just one area, it's everything. And I get to be a part of all of it because I am a Mom. And as much as I hate the vomitting and poopie diapers, I don't! I love being with my kids. I love being a part of their lives. I love that I am the one that CAN put my hand on my daughter's back when she's hurling her guts out. You know how awkward that would be if it wasn't her mom. And I get to be the one with the warm, wet, pee, seaping through my jeans as I'm about to eat my dinner. Can you imagine the embarrassment if that was someone else? And I get to watch my kids dance around, trying out new moves regardless of how cheesy they may look. You can imagine how uninhibitted they can get when it's just their mom watching. It's just special to be a Mom. It's special to take care of them. It's special to have their love. I've spent a lot of time looking through old pictures (yes we actually have some from before digital camera days) and through old blogs, and I just can't help but realize what an amazing life I live. What an amazing man I am married to, and what an awesome family we made together. It's just SO motivating to think about what I have and what we've done together. It's almost a high for me.
So anyway. I realize I have these moments a lot, and maybe you're all sick of me "realizing that I'm a Mom" but I guess that's what it takes to keep me going sometimes :).... Heavenly Father knows me well. I'm really glad I have the life I have, and I want to remember that always.
I can't wait till Monday!! Noah's 2nd birthday. I don't knwo why I love birthdays so much, but it excites me :)
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