Venting

I had no idea I would get so much crap for having kids. No idea. Yeah, I'm bugged at someone for telling me how they feel about my decision to have "so many kids so fast" again, but it's just the wrong day for it I guess. I just got home from someone's house (I'll leave out who it was because I know they didn't REALLY mean anything by it and had no idea it could bring me to tears later) and all I can think about is 'WHY??'. Why does it matter so much to other people how I have had my family? Why do so many people think that it is any of their business?? Am I really doing that bad of a job as a mom that people think they need to question it??
So I'm sitting there on the couch feeding Erika. Hoping that my older kids are helping keep my younger ones in line since I cannot be in two places at once (at home it's a little different, I've mastered the art of nursing while doing anything from clipping my toenails to putting a toddler on the potty). In this particular situation I had brought dinner to them, we had just finished eating and my kids were in the kitchen cleaning up after themselves. They are normally fairly comfortable there, and do manage to get into a few things that they shouldn't, but never anything real big. So, I'm nursing, they're unsupervised, and suddenly we get word that one of my children has done something they shouldn't. The host then proceeds to get all worked up over this simple little problem. So I unplug, and resolve the problem then go back to feeding the baby. This is fairly routine for me when we are at someone's house or in a public place, so I sat down with very little regard for what just happened. It wasn't long though before I found myself in the middle of an interrogating conversation about why I would "CHOOSE" to have my children the way that I have. Now call me crazy, but I don't feel like I should have to defend myself to anyone, much less family, regarding such a personal decision as having children. It is my (well, mine and Nate's) decision.
It really didn't help that during the conversation I had a few little spats to referee, and a few little disobedient children to reprimand, while nursing, all while trying to explain why I think it's okay to have 6 children. I know that this seems like an unacceptable condition to many people. I know that this particular person finds it disturbing. But there were a couple of other people in the room who have made decisions which are FAR more disturbing in my opinion, who have never been questioned in a group setting like that before. I hate feeling embarrassed for something that I love so much. I love my role as a Mom. I LOVE my children. All of them. I would not, no, COULD not give up any of them to satisfy these simple, judging minds. And I don't know why I felt embarrassed. I wish I hadn't. That's something I need to work on. I couldn't help but bring up the fact that when I was yonger, and told that IF I were to get pregnant it would be difficult, I told the Lord that if he would please bless me with children of my own that I would have as many or as few as he wanted me to. I had no idea what the Lord had in mind for me, all I knew was that I had ALWAYS wanted a big family, and now it may not be possible. It was a really big deal to me back then. Obviously, that doctor couldn't have been more wrong, 6 kids in 7 years is hardly "difficulty getting pregnant", but who doesn't see this as a HUGE miracle??? And I love my little miracles more than anything. I never would have thought that there were people out there who think they know more than me about me and what I want, and what I can handle. I don't claim to think that I do this on my own. I don't. I have an AMAZING husband who takes on more than most Dad's I know, and I have my Heavenly Father who carries my load more than I could know I'm sure. But people still think that they need to tell me that I'm doing it all wrong. As if I could go back and change it anyway. What's done is done..... couldn't you use more energy being supportive or helpful than tearing me down and making me feel that because my child isn't perfect that I must be doing something wrong. Or better yet, it's because of his placement in the family. What sense does that make??? And WHY???? UGH. Sorry. I'm really annoyed. I get where people think it could be irresponsible, I get that it seems "too hard", and I get that I can't give EVERY kid ALL the attention that an only child MIGHT get from their parents. I get that. But does anyone else get that maybe- how it seems, or how it might be for someone else, isn't how it is for me??? I know there are things that other people need that I don't get to have because I have 6 kids, but those things are not things that I need. I know that there are things that other people can do with their kids that I can't because I have 6 kids, but there are also things that my kids get from their family that not just any kid in any regular family can. And while they each may not have my undivided attention 24/7, they have someone's. And I'm grateful that they have each other to teach, to learn from, and to serve. That's something that you don't get from a small family. No offense to you small familiers. I have never once said that this is the way it is supposed to be for everyone, or asked anyone else why they don't have more kids. I have never said that this is the way to go for everyone. I know a lot of big familiers that joke that "they're having the kids you chose not to have", but I really don't feel that way. I really don't think that this is the kind of lifestyle that EVERYONE is meant to have. I do have to say that the more kids you have, the more love you get :) But really it's a choice that we made. One that we love. And one that we wouldn't change. I can't imagine not being able to make this choice for myself. Those that cannot have children at all..... I can't imagine. And isn't it sad that those that can have to put up with this annoying crap!
I realize that I'm being overly sensitive and taking this way too seriously, but it was really just more than I could handle tonight. Guess I should just not go over there when I'm tired. Sorry for using my blog to vent. I try not to too much. Hopefully I have not offended anyone in this post- if you got this far- I'm sorry. I think we all have things like this that we feel strongly about that maybe not everyone agrees with. I just hope I've never made anyone else feel so uncomfortable about a personal decision- if I have, and you got this far- again, I am sorry. That's all I have to say about that.